IN SEARCH OF THE CONEY

Wake: Great Lakes Thought and Culture has posted the coney essay! The impetus for this entire blog! Well, that and my deep and abiding love of hot dogs with Greek chili.

You'll recognize the photo, I hope. The only thing better than eating coneys is taking a minute to photograph a coney, knowing that in just a few seconds you will be eating the coney. Don't get mustard on your Nikon.

Q & A, CONEY-STYLE

Last week I was invited to visit a colleague's creative writing class, and after the usual run-down of writerly questions--How did you become a writer? Who are your favorite poets?--the fun questions started.

Have you ever eaten at The Torch? Have you been to Yesterdog? What's your favorite bar in town? What's your favorite movie? Have you heard of Zorba's, outside of Detroit? Do you know of any coneys in the UP?

To which I said, Yes; No, because I sort of hate hipsters; The Cottage, for the burgers and clientele; The Big Chill, embarassingly enough; No, but now it's on my list; No.


But to that last one, I added: But listen to my idea for the most Michigand-y food ever: coney pasty. The room approved, although some of the appreciative sounds might have just been groans of pain.

HOWL

I used this photo as part of an in-class creative writing prompt yesterday. Once my students (all of them Michiganders, unless their index cards lie) had finished, I revealed that the photo was of a coney island in Duluth.

"Minnesota?" one asked.

"Yes," I said, "and they claim that they invented the coney. In 1921."

Silence--and then, from the back, "OH HELL NO."

The rest followed. Howls of indignation! No FREAKING WAY the Minnesotans invented the coney. It was pure Michigan. It had to be! They were Michiganders. They would know.

"Relax," I said, "the coneys weren't great. Not enough chili, too-hard buns. And the hot dogs were Viennas. That's a Chicago hot dog."

I lost them there, I think, but they got the idea. The coney was theirs. Not--psshaw!--Minnesota's. Let them eat lefse.

TOM Z'S: FLINT'S ORIGINAL CONEY ISLAND

Tom Z's Flint's Original Coney Island
Flint, Michigan
August 11th, 2010

My friends "Nick" and "Rose," whom I met while out in grad school on the frozen prairie of Minnesota, are from Flint, and they never shut up about the coneys.

Back then, I was only acquainted with coneys of the Cincinnati variety, and the idea of coneys sans cheese, served in not Skyline but a greasy diner, didn't sound quite right. Nick and Rose insisted, sometimes violently, that I was mistaken. True coneys were Flint-style, ordered "up" and washed down with coffee, preferably at 3 or 4 or 5 a.m., after a long night of drinking whiskey and debating the merits of punk music and chain-smoking cigarettes acting like a respectable citizen.

Now I'm older and wiser, and I know a lot more about coneys, and I'm here to say that Nick and Rose were right. The coneys in Flint are very, very good coneys.

ordered: two coneys, up
winner: my digestive tract, which had been fed the best Buffalo wings for breakfast and authentic coneys for dinner. Hey, it was a road (food) trip.

please note: In Flint, you'll have to choose between Tom Z's and Angelo's. I went with Tom Z's because I didn't feel like being punched in the face by Nick, who has strong feelings on the subject*. But the story of the Flint Coney Island feud is a good one to hear over a plate of coneys at either location.

And if you're lucky enough to eat coneys with Nick, ask him to tell you the story of the time his friend went out to Tom Z's for post-bar coneys and was awakened three hours later by the waitresses during their shift change. Tom Z's is the sort of place that will let you sleep it off in front of a plate of half-finished coneys.

Sounds like my kind of place.


*I'm just kidding about the face-punching, Nick. I know you're a gentle giant.

CORRECTION

The Grand Coney has the "Sweet D" combo back on the menu. Either that or it never left and I can't read.

Both of these are feasible explanations.

Anyway, put on your elastic-waist pants and check it out.

THE ORIGINAL CONEY ISLAND

The Original Coney Island
Duluth, Minnesota (!)
July 21st, 2010

A previously scheduled trip up nort, as folks say in the upper Midwest, also brought me to a previously unknown coney outpost in Duluth.

ordered: two coney islands, as they're known

winner: the decor. Second place goes to the ambiance. We ate and watched the owners/regulars drink coffee, mock each other, and consume a huge basket of coneys.

I'm sad to report that the coneys were not ... great.

please note: according to one of the yellowed clippings on the wall, the recipe for Greek chili was passed from Aristotle to Alexander the Great. This is possibly the most ludicrous--and THEREFORE THE MOST AWESOME--bit of coney lore I have encounter yet.

THE FIRST DRAFT

I've finished what I consider to be the first final draft of the essay.

It's twelve pages long. Six thousand words.

*

Some edits may be in order.

MISSED CONEYS

I was supposed to try and cross two coneys off my list yesterday--Tom Z's in Flint and Lafayette in Detroit--but then I thought that I didn't really want to eat a bunch of coneys before standing on the floor at the double-bill show of The Gaslight Anthem and The Hold Steady.

A most excellent idea, as it turned out. Unrestrained by the weight of coneys, I was able to scream for three hours. But I am off to Duluth in the next week, and it turns out there are coneys in Duluth! They were brought there by a Greek immigrant. Raise your hand if you're surprised.

Put your hand down.

SKYLINE CHILI

Skyline Chili
Sharonville, OH
December 31st, 2008


























ordered: four cheese coneys
the winner: I'd say the sort-of black eye

please note: nothing says "happy New Year!" like ringing in with coneys. Why four? Because I wanted 2009 to be fourtunate! Ha ha ha ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

also please note: spaghetti and oyster crackers in background. Tiny white bowls for everyone!

THE GRAND CONEY

The Grand Coney
Grand Rapids, MI
Saturday, January 16, 2010

ordered: something called "The Flint 'Sweet D' Combo"
winner: my stomach

please note: in March, TGC debuted a stripped-down menu. The "Sweet D" Combo is no longer listed, which is probably best for everyone, as it is really fucking enormous. But you can still order a combo that consists of a single coney, fries, and a Coke.

I'm sure it could also be a diet Coke. Don't be that person.

THE ONE STOP CONEY SHOP

One Stop Coney Shop
Grand Rapids, MI
Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

order: one Detroit, one Flint
winner: Flint, I think

please note: I was not the first person to spill mustardy onions on the house copy of the Grand Rapids Press.

WHY CONEYS

A few months ago, I wrote a poem about coneys. It's a long poem, nine sections in all, and in writing it I realized that coneys are my happy food. I grew up in a town that likes its hot dogs with something called Texas hot sauce, and eating coneys in Cincinnati with my cousin, and now I live in a state that claims it's the home of the coney.

The poem makes me hungry.

Now I'm writing an essay based on that poem--sort of a loose history of the coney. The essay can't be a complete history, but it's interesting for me to see where coneys came from and how they've managed to dot small sections of the upper Midwest and western New York.

Please note that my findings are intentionally limited to states or cities where I've resided. I have no intention of making this an exhaustive compilation of coney sites or restaurants, since other people are way more committed to that, and I don't profess to actually know anything about hot dogs. In this manner, I am sloppy like Detroit-style.

My research basically consists of chasing ghost links all over the Internet and eating local coneys when I feel like it. Also, yes, I have decided that I prefer the plural of coney as coneys and not conies.

I'll be posting my coney-eating here, and maybe one day the essay will find a home and someone will want to see pictures of hot dogs a stranger ate. That's the great thing about the Internet.